Mark Welsh Day

We all know the amazing strength, faith and attitude that Metisha had through her cancer battle.  Her strength was inspiring.  I think a lot of strength came from the rock in her life who hasn’t received nearly enough of deserved attention on this blog.  So today I am declaring it Mark Welsh day on the blog and I know he will hate every word that I am about to write :)

Mark and Metisha’s first dance was in junior high.  They started dating in high school where he was the football quarterback and she was a basketball star.   They continued to date on off through college and in 2000 were married on a beach in Jamaica. 

In 2007 when Metisha was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, Mark became her rock.  He was her steady, her calm, her constant, her consistency.  He was and is amazing.  He never stopped loving her.  He experienced more heartache than we will never know and is the only one who endured watching Metisha slowly fade away every day.  When it was time to stand true to the vow, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health”, he did not falter.  He loved her through all of the sickness and the worse.  Leaving to him was never an option and never a thought that entered his mind.  Mark is a man of commitment and he never wavered from his commitment to Metisha.  Even when he was breaking on the inside, externally he was her rock.  While the rest of us were emotional and would fall apart, Mark was her steady and that was in God’s perfect design. 

When Mark first came around I was a snotty, hormonal junior high girl and the beginning of our relationship was a bit rocky.  Suddenly the only flavor of Kool-Aid in the fridge was HIS favorite flavor.  Lasagna was made WITHOUT cottage cheese.  And I had to SHARE my birthday with him.  But worse of all was that my big sister wanted to spend time with him, not me!  You can see that my choice to despise this change in family dynamics was completely justified and he should have been more considerate to my feelings :)  But I matured and realized he probably wasn’t going anywhere so I better get used to it!  We finally had a bonding experience on a spring break ski trip.  It seems that my ankles do not bend to normal angles so every morning he had to wrestle my ski boots on.  And when I say wrestle, I mean wrestle!  I would have to sit on the ground with a foot in the air while he would twist, push and grunt until the boot finally gave way.  The process was always followed by him telling me if I took my boots off I was done skiing for the day.  Oddly, Mark’s doesn't expressed an interest to go skiing with me again … 

Watching Mark unconditionally love my sister, especially at the end of her life, was beautiful, heartbreaking, changed me and inspired me.  He didn’t have to say anything about how much he loved her because his heart was completely visible through his actions in those final days.  He loved her, was a Godly husband and fulfilled every word of their marriage vows with honor and integrity.  I will always love Mark and he will always be my brother and my daughter’s Uncle Mark.

Mark, thank you for loving her and for loving us (even when we were emotional).  I know you don’t like gooey emotions and big accolades and you’re going to be ticked at me for writing this but I don’t care because I love you :) 

Joy Will Come

It’s been 99 days since Metisha went to heaven.  99 days.  And 101 days since we’ve been able to talk to her.  It feels like it’s already been a lifetime, but the then reality is we still have a lifetime of separation to face.

So today, and really for the last two weeks, my heart is hurting a lot again.  I miss her voice.  I miss her laughter.  I miss the way she would get excited about things.  I miss the way her spirit would fill the entire room when she entered.  I just miss her. 

But there are two promises that God has given us that I am holding on to with white knuckles and not letting go of.  The first is there is eternal life and Metisha has that and I will too because we chose to accept a gift which we do not deserve.  The second is that joy will come again.  Joy WILL come again.  This is an important promise for me because I have feared that without Metisha our family will never again have joy.  I remember sitting at my kitchen table with my Dad last winter and we were talking about Metisha’s declining health and what the worst case scenario would be.  I remember telling him with tears streaming down my face that I was most afraid that regardless of whether Metisha lived or died, we would never experience joy again.  We would either be constantly battling fear of cancer or forever devastated by her death.    Where and how could joy fit into either one?  Dad told me we will have joy.  It will take time but there will be more joy than sadness.  I didn’t believe him.  My heart was full of anger and fear and just could not absorb the possibility. 

But when we needed it most, God gave Dad tangible proof to backup his statement.  Just 6 days before Metisha died, Dad was out walking at the family farm and came across a single page out of Bible lying in the dirt, dropped there after a tornado went through the area.  It was Psalm 29, 30 and 31 and on the page was Psalm 30:5 which says, “weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning.”  Joy comes in the morning.  We know God sent this scripture for us and was telling us this promise is for us.  So now I believe my Dad, am holding on fervently to this promise.  I don’t know how long the night will last.  I don’t know how dark the night will get.  But weeping will turn to joy.  

After Dad got back to town he posted his story on Facebook.  And in a string of comments to Dad’s story on Facebook is this:

Metisha Ewbank Welsh So cool Dad!!! I love you!

May 31 at 7:13pm

Danny Ewbank Love you more than u know!

May 31 at 8:44pm

Just My Heart of the Day

Grief is a sneaky thing.  You have a run of good days, maybe even weeks, then something small comes along and that heavy pain in your heart is all consuming again.  It's a process.  It's a part of life.  And even though my pain and loss are unique to me, everyone knows grief. 

But I keep living and moving forward because if I do any less, Metisha will kick my butt when I get to heaven :)  And I keep thanking God that because of his plan, there is a heaven, Metisha is now experiencimg pure joy beyond my comprehension, and I will have that same joy and be with her again someday. 

That’s just my thought heart today …