Thursday, July 28, 2011

Happy Birthday Metisha

Today is Metisha’s birthday.  She would be 34.  Today is hard.  She’s been gone from earth for 53 days and with each day we miss her more.  Much more.
I think when you battle cancer with a loved one for four years, you want to believe that you’ve already grieved so much that the grief after they’re gone will somehow be easier.  But the reality is we spent the last four years grieving for Metisha and her loss and pain.  And now we are grieving for ourselves and for our loss.  We are happy her body is not poisoned with cancer anymore, but our pain now isn’t about her.  Our pain now is about us.  It’s about facing our lives without her here.  It’s a different kind of pain than the pain of the last four years.  And while we know it’s a pain that only time can heal and that God has promised us joy will come again, it feels like this season will never end.


There is a major lesson of faith that I am learning and processing as a result of Metisha’s journey:  Faith is a constant balancing act.    I know this isn’t a new revelation, but I think I’m just really beginning to grasp what that means and how that works.  For four years we balanced our faith and hope that God could physically heal Metisha against preparing ourselves for the reality that he may not.  Now we are balancing the overwhelming grief we are feeling against the hope that God has promised joy will come again and the promise that this separation from Metisha is not permanent.  I used to think that blind faith meant you ignored everything else and only focused on the good and that would somehow defeat the bad.  But I don’t think faith necessarily overcomes the bad.  Faith gives us hope despite the bad.  It looks like a teeter totter.  There is the despair of this world on one end and the promises from faith on the other.  If all you have is the despair, you are sitting on the ground.  But with faith on the other end, you get off the ground and find some balance.  I know there is a lot more to it and a lot I have to process yet, but for now I am focusing on the fact that faith is keeping my big behind out of the dirt :)  Like I said, I'm still processing so ask me next week and the analogy may change ...   


Since June 5th, we’ve been spending a lot of time together as a family and continue to be blessed by so many of you who continue to check-in on us and love on us.  I think my best advice if you want to help someone through grief is to just be ok with the fact that they are not ok.  The grief is real and ignoring it won’t make it go away and you can’t fix it.  So just love that person.  Tell them you’re sorry and you love them.  Often times that is enough. 


One of my favorite parts of this blog has been sharing stories that depict Metisha’s infectious spirit.  And because Metisha’s spirit lives on in us, there’s a story about a baby in a tattoo parlor that ends with Mom and I both getting our first “ink” at 10:30 on a Saturday night.  But I’ll save that for another post.    Today’s story is all about Metisha.  Before Metisha died, she and Mom were talking and Mom told her she wanted them to pick a sign that Metisha would give Mom after she died to let her know she is ok.  Metisha picked a rainbow but Mom said that was too generic and she wanted something more special.  The conversation moved on to something else and they never picked a different sign.  Fast forward to the evening after Metisha’s Celebration Service in Fairview.  I sat down at my parents table, looked out the picture window and saw this:
 It was positioned perfectly in the picture window and was in the South instead of the West.  We all ran outside and watched it grow across the sky and then fade away.  It was Metisha saying hello and defying her mother’s orders one last time :) 


So I will end this post where we started, at Metisha’s birthday.  Happy Birthday Metisha!  We love you.  We miss you more than hearts can comprehend.  We will celebrate you tonight as a family and make a toast to you with friends.  Then we will send some balloons up to you.  Oh, and I had a breakfast donut in your honor because I know that’s how you would have started your day ;)