10 years ago, I was sitting on my sister’s back porch calling family and friends and writing a blog post here to let everyone know my sister’s battle with cancer was over. I did not want my parents to have to make those calls. I remember feeling incredibly alone, and fiercely protective of my parents and their grief. And overwhelmed of how I would ever get them through this.
Over the past few weeks, God has put me in front of two
beautiful women who lost their siblings and are now at the beginning of their
grief journey. I told them both the same thing. You may not be the person who
gets your parents through this, and that’s ok. As much as I felt like it was my
job, and as much as I wanted to, it was never my burden to carry. God put other
people in their lives for that purpose. I remember about 6 months into our grief
journey feeling angry that I had lost my close family that always leaned on each
other, and I was certain we would never be like that again. And on the 1-year
anniversary, I felt the same way. Then at 18 months I read a book about a family
who had lost a child. It said that losing a child is an incredibly different grief
journey because you cannot lean on those closest to you, your family. You can’t
put your needs on them because they are just trying to survive too. You have to
allow outside people to become your support system. And as you start to heal individually,
your family is healed, and then you find your way back to each other. Sitting on an
airplane, those words soaked into my soul. And suddenly I could see it and the
healing and what could be again.
10 years later, we are a close family again. If fact a lot
of people probably look at us and think, too close :) I’m sitting on my back porch
from which I can see my parents front porch. We eat almost every dinner
together. We server at church together. We vacation together. I don’t say it
enough, but my husband is amazing and loves my parents endlessly and even
tolerates them borrowing his tools :) Thank you Jeremy! And now when one of us
gets hit by a wave a grief, we can support and pick each other up.
There has been a lot of grieving, healing, growing, grieving,
healing, growing, on repeat over the last 10 years. And as I type these words
today, I’ll be honest, my eyes are puffy from tears. I miss her. Not a single
day goes by that I don’t think of her. I’m sad that my girls only know her
through stories and pictures. I miss her laugh. I miss her put-on-your-big-girl-pants
talks. I miss her gravitational pull that sucked everyone in. I miss her always.
Over the last two weeks I’ve had a new revelation. I’ve been
cycling through the memories of those weeks leading up to and after her passing. I’ve
struggled with the last year feeling like there is some part of the grief of
losing Tish that I haven’t dealt with. But I’m not sure it's grief, I think its trauma.
That feels weird to type, but I think its accurate. When my mind goes back to that
time, I feel those same emotions of fear and anxiety and being overwhelmed. I had
a one-year-old to care for, my parents were at their lowest point in life, my
husband was grieving the loss of his sister too. And I think it left behind
some trauma that I need to deal with. It’s not overwhelming, and most days it has
no effect. But some days it feels like it has just scabbed over instead of
scarred. And when that scab falls off a little and that pain comes back, it really
hurts and keeps me from being my best. So, I’ve scheduled an appointment with my
therapist, because mental health is important.
But here is the good news. 10 years later we are SO GOOD.
Truly. We laugh, for real. We have true joy. We are a strong, tight and whole
family. And God is SO good! Ultimately it is God who has loved me back to
whole. It is God who put the right outside people into our worlds to heal us.
It is God who gives my hope. Tish is with God, and that means I see her again someday.
God is good, God is faithful. God is enough.
To all the people who God put in our lives to show his love
and help carry us out of the valley of grief, thank you. For me specifically,
Amanda Cain, I love you forever. Mike Miller, you are a true shepherd and
pastor. To Aunt Susan, thank you for being a mom through those times. To Jim
and Staci, thank you for stepping up big time and filling a huge hole in my
kids’ and Jeremy and my lives. To Tony and Jeff and Breanne and Wayne and Cindy,
thank you for loving me when I put my family first. To my Simple Family, thank
you for letting me talk about my journey and my sister and loving me endlessly
now. To my husband, thank you for always giving me the space to grieve. And to
my parents, thank you for fighting back to whole. It would have been easier to stay in the valley but you fight for us. Below is what I read at my
sister’s memorial service, barefoot and with dirty hair because I slept for the
first time in a week and didn’t have time to shower :)
For those of you who don’t know me, I am Metisha’s sister
Regan. And if you noticed I walked onto
stage without shoes on, it’s because Metisha was the athlete and I was the nerd
which means I can fall going up stairs and didn’t want to risk becoming the
entertainment portion today.
I was visiting with a friend, April, from work yesterday and
she told me a story that I wanted to pass along to you. My company is in Tulsa and they
wanted to send me flowers but were not sure where to call or where to send
them. But April told our CFO that based
on my stories of Fairview, she thought she could figure it out. So she Googled Fairview and found the flower
shop phone number. A lady answered the
phone and April said, “I want to send flowers to a friend from work whose
sister just passed away.” And the lady
immediately responded, “Oh, you want to send flowers to Regan. Do you want to send them to her home in Tulsa
or her parent’s house here?” April told
me the story and then said, “Now that’s customer service!” But I told her, “No, that’s community.”
I wanted to tell you this story because all of you have been
a part of this community of people who have supported us, regardless of whether
you drove 2 minutes, 2.5 hours from Tulsa, 4 hours from Ft Worth. 12 hours from
Colorado or flew halfway across the country to get here today. And it has been that support that has
sustained us through the last four years.
Look to your right.
You will see the arms of God that have held us. Look to your left. You will see the tears of God that have both
rejoiced and mourned with us. Your words
of encouragement, compassion and joy and sorrow have been God’s love to
us. And we cannot say thank you enough
for allowing God to use you to minister to us during this journey. You have invested in our lives and have made
an impact beyond measure.
Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough. But we pray that in return, you will be
blessed tenfold.